Quick Bright Things

[kirkesque]

Wolfchild was kind enough to post an Oskar and Eli story I wrote (and do some formatting on it as well, thanks Wolfy) on the LTROI website. I haven't ventured into fan fiction since I was about 12 and wrote a Dr. Who/Hitchhiker's Guide story.

A couple of caveats about "Quick Bright Things" the critic in me wants to get out of the way (I once had a first person story that took place in Iceland where the character refers to the "sixty-cycle hum" of fluorescent lights; a nitpicking critic cited the fact that in Iceland, the lights operate on a fifty-cycle frequency, missing the fact that the character referred to it, not the narrator).

Several references differ from Europe and the States, and I have gone with the terminology used in the US in most cases, e.g. elevator instead of lift. The Norse goddess Oskar talks about is actually spelled Skaði, not Scatha, but I used with the English phonetic spelling to be more easily read. Temperatures are in Celsius not Fahrenheit. Oskar's quote from A Midsummer Night's Dream is not precise, but quotes are rarely cited perfectly when a person remembers them; such is the case here.

There. Now the author will get out of the way and leave you with another further tale of our friends, Oskar and Eli.

I'd love to hear what you think. I deal with editors and critics professionally, I can take what you've got to say, good and bad.

~kirk

[gareth1971]

I just read it, and enjoyed it, but you've made me sad for the rest of the day, and its ony just gone 9.00am

[cmfireflies]

that was good, but depressing. I'm now searching the Internet for something to balance it out.

[Aurora]

I'd give you some feedback but I can't read it, the link comes up with an error message

[Wolfchild]

I'd give you some feedback but I can't read it, the link comes up with an error message

Now fixed.

I like the little phrase about "...her long, young life." I also liked how once Oskar was gone, Eli had no need to be female and you denoted this by the change of pronouns.

One thing that I didn't like is that I thought you were too nice to Håkan by including him in a group that "had all meant a lot to her". Whether you mean the Håkan of the novel or the Håkan of the film, it is hard to imagine Eli remembering either of them fondly. Plus, I just don't want her to.

And there were two things that weren't clear to me:

1. Why did Oskar stop and hide in the downstairs bathroom?
2. Why was Eli so groggy? Did you say that the , um... donor was on some sort of medication and I missed it?

But what I liked about it above all was that you took no liberties with the original story.

[kirkesque]

I like the little phrase about "...her long, young life." I also liked how once Oskar was gone, Eli had no need to be female and you denoted this by the change of pronouns.

Thank you.

One thing that I didn't like is that I thought you were too nice to Håkan by including him in a group that "had all meant a lot to her". Whether you mean the Håkan of the novel or the Håkan of the film, it is hard to imagine Eli remembering either of them fondly. Plus, I just don't want her to.

As forbeing nice to Håkan, I agree that I was too nice to him via Eli's memories, but in the context of the story, I was concerned that if i didn't mention the only older figure we all know who helped her, that the other names would only bring confusion. I suppose I could say something like: even Håken, to some extent ... and the idea would be conveyed without placing him in the category of being heartfelt.

And there were two things that weren't clear to me:

1. Why did Oskar stop and hide in the downstairs bathroom?

Because I figured it would be clear that he couldn't just leave the hospital carrying an unconscious Eli.

1. Why was Eli so groggy? Did you say that the , um... donor was on some sort of medication and I missed it?

I thought it was mentioned, but perhaps it wasn't clear enough.

But what I liked about it above all was that you took no liberties with the original story.

Very much my intent.

[Aurora]

I liked it, although I will admit to crying at the end...

I thought that it was good that you set it several years after the events in the film/book and managed to convey what changes in a long term relationship compared to what it's like in the early stages.

I also liked that you came up with a way for Oskar to work and supply food for Eli without hanging people upside down and slitting their throats...

I still cried because Oskar died and Eli was on her own at the end though

[stormbringer951]

Hmm. Your link doesn't work for some reason, Firefox on my PC prefers if you write .html rather than .htm. Ah well. I'll write a small review of it soon. Busy in real life at the moment.

Fixed link

EDIT: just noticed, you fixed the link.

[kirkesque]

I liked it, although I will admit to crying at the end...

I take that as a huge compliment.

(... you say that as if it's a bad thing. )

I thought that it was good that you set it several years after the events in the film/book and managed to convey what changes in a long term relationship compared to what it's like in the early stages.

I happen to be almost exactly the same age as Oskar (and, un-coincidentally, this is the same age as JAL, for that matter), and so immediately wondered what Oskar's life would be like currently. It's also a perspective I've not seen in the other stories related to LTROI.

[stormbringer951]

I liked the story overall. It was well-written and the characterisation was good. It was definitely the higher class of fanfiction (by which I mean there weren't any horrible grammar or spelling mistakes present). On the storyline itself, I like the detail about Oskar leaving while Eli was in hibernation (while coming back later, to be sure), which I could see as totally feasible. I like how their relationship has evolved as Oskar has grown older, particularly the details about how Oskar works in hospitals to easily be able to get blood for Eli. You wrote a bit of a downer ending, but it was quite powerful: the last line sent a tingle through my spine.

tl;dr version: I like it! Please write more.