Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

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gkmoberg1
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:26 am

I have a couple updates for Chapter Three. As usual for me, it pays to not read something for several days and then give it a fresh look. Otherwise I'm too close to it and cannot see the mistakes.

First, here is a part that I am still struggling with.
"No, I mean HER," Randy responded, punctuating this with a wild swing of cables.

This argumentative shifting was a tactic Randy's commonly used. Dale knew the "About time!" exclamations were made about the punctuality of his arrival. If he was getting off work at seven thirty, then Randy could reliably be expected to make the jump that Dale would be at the basement *at* seven thirty. Ridiculous, of course. Yet when this was brought up, as he had just done, Randy would shift the conversation and frustration to something else. In this case, he was shifting the assault over to Abby.
The idea is that Randy likes to control things by being, well, a tyrant. He attacks one thing and if that doesn't work, then he moves on to something else. If you go back to Ch1, you'll see he is upset with Dale from the start. Yet the things he mentions are hardly items worthy of being upset about. Even so, Randy is preparing himself, girding himself with all things that he can use to be irritated abuout with Dale. Sweet, huh? So in the above, his whining about Dale's late arrival has been countered by Dale, who has said that he got here straight after getting off work at 7:30. That happens to be the time set for Ch1 wherein, yup, Randy was exclaiming "Idiot" into the night air, irritated that Dale was late yet again... Dale doesn't know this was happening, but as we see here, it was. Dale was right. Anyway, Dale's countering Randy's initial reason for being upset merely causes Randy to attack something else - Abby. Although he never really gives Dale a reason for why he is doing this.

I don't know if what I wrote in the story gets across this idea. I'm still muddling over it.

Second, a part that struck me was I failed to include Abby's irritation. She moves, during the course of CH3 from being on the hunt to being increasingly angry with Randy and then finally takes off after Dale - thus returning to being on the hunt. Nice of Randy to help out his friend in that way, huh? Right, he'll likely next be angry with Dale for not bothering to show anymore simply because he's dead. Sheesh, what an excuse. I'd be angry at Dale too.

To correct this I want to add a bit of description to replace the "tension seemed high" kind of statements with showing "why" they are high. Abby needs to move down the stairs at Randy as if she is still coming at him - she has provoked him and she's none to pleased. Plus she's still in hunt mode, eager to get things over, yet blocked by Dale's arrival.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by metoo » Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:49 am

I feel sorry for Randy. He obviously has some mental condition that isn't severe enough to render him totally incapable of functioning in a human society, but still makes it hard to be around him. Maybe Dale understands that, and this makes him able to see through Randy's apparent unfriendliness.
Last edited by metoo on Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by PeteMork » Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:01 am

gkmoberg1 wrote:I have a couple updates for Chapter Three. As usual for me, it pays to not read something for several days and then give it a fresh look. Otherwise I'm too close to it and cannot see the mistakes.

First, here is a part that I am still struggling with.
"No, I mean HER," Randy responded, punctuating this with a wild swing of cables.

This argumentative shifting was a tactic Randy's commonly used. Dale knew the "About time!" exclamations were made about the punctuality of his arrival. If he was getting off work at seven thirty, then Randy could reliably be expected to make the jump that Dale would be at the basement *at* seven thirty. Ridiculous, of course. Yet when this was brought up, as he had just done, Randy would shift the conversation and frustration to something else. In this case, he was shifting the assault over to Abby.
The idea is that Randy likes to control things by being, well, a tyrant. He attacks one thing and if that doesn't work, then he moves on to something else. If you go back to Ch1, you'll see he is upset with Dale from the start. Yet the things he mentions are hardly items worthy of being upset about. Even so, Randy is preparing himself, girding himself with all things that he can use to be irritated abuout with Dale. Sweet, huh? So in the above, his whining about Dale's late arrival has been countered by Dale, who has said that he got here straight after getting off work at 7:30. That happens to be the time set for Ch1 wherein, yup, Randy was exclaiming "Idiot" into the night air, irritated that Dale was late yet again... Dale doesn't know this was happening, but as we see here, it was. Dale was right. Anyway, Dale's countering Randy's initial reason for being upset merely causes Randy to attack something else - Abby. Although he never really gives Dale a reason for why he is doing this.

I don't know if what I wrote in the story gets across this idea. I'm still muddling over it.

Second, a part that struck me was I failed to include Abby's irritation. She moves, during the course of CH3 from being on the hunt to being increasingly angry with Randy and then finally takes off after Dale - thus returning to being on the hunt. Nice of Randy to help out his friend in that way, huh? Right, he'll likely next be angry with Dale for not bothering to show anymore simply because he's dead. Sheesh, what an excuse. I'd be angry at Dale too.

To correct this I want to add a bit of description to replace the "tension seemed high" kind of statements with showing "why" they are high. Abby needs to move down the stairs at Randy as if she is still coming at him - she has provoked him and she's none to pleased. Plus she's still in hunt mode, eager to get things over, yet blocked by Dale's arrival.
Perhaps I'm not the one to say, but I got it precisely the way you've described it. One the things I have the most trouble with when writing is trying to follow that old bit of advice, "Show, don't tell," It sounds to me like you're on the right track. [See PM]
We never stop reading, although every book comes to an end, just as we never stop living, although death is certain. (Roberto Bolaño)

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Sun Jul 01, 2012 3:46 pm

Thanks guys. I'm going to re-read Ch2 and the work things out in Ch3. I think metoo has a good point that what Randy says has to be stronger. Yet, I can't have the guy be a complete jerk. Yes, he has his, err, limitations, but if the result is not realistic ... as in if readers think it's too much, then I'm not writing it the way I mean to.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:04 pm

Chapter Two edits.

"Dad would box his ears were he to find that his son had turned away a girl who had neither a coat nor shoes and was locked out of her house!" this has been bugging me. It stumbles along, and the exclamation mark is too far from the piece that is driving Randy - having dad whack him for being rude. By the time we get to the "!" it's lost its meaning. Or worse, by the time we get to the "!" we might think it applies to his reaction to Abby's plight. Uh, which would be wrong. "Dad would box his ears! He did not want handle dad were he to find that his son had turned away a girl who had neither a coat nor shoes and was locked out of her house."
...

"Standing barefoot on the circular braided rug just inside the front door,"

...

[Randy] "heard the creak of her hand on the worn wood railing." oops, it's not her hand that creaks! ... "heard the creak of the worn wood railing as her hand moved along it."

...

"He did not understand what her motivations might be or if he was right in suspecting her intention. But the hairs on the nape of his neck rose and a twinge crossed his chest from shoulder to shoulder. Slowly, deliberately, her hand renewed its course, upwards." The last sentence deserves to be its own paragraph, so as to really draw attention to it. Also want to add some insight on Randy's thoughts: "He did not understand what her motivations might be or if he was right in suspecting her intention. But the hairs on the nape of his neck rose and a twinge crossed his chest from shoulder to shoulder. Amy was two floors about him, out of earshot. Nobody else was in the house. He grasped he was alone, isolated, with this girl between him and any escape.

Slowly, deliberately, her hand renewed its course, upwards.
" :twisted:

Basically she scares him. He's is so distracted that he does not see her setting up. Any why would have have been concerned about her? She's a kid. Consider how tall she is in the film when she's standing next to "The Father" in their kitchen. She's not that tall or big, I tried to draw her in my sketch as being as such. Randy is nineteen (so is Dale), he is much taller and larger. To Randy's thinking, this locked out kid is but a nuisance. He's blinded by her size and her story - of being locked out. So, she startles him pretty good, frightens him. This is what I have to carry into Ch3: his fright (although he's not going to tell Dale) and her poise of having been ready to strike.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:34 am

Okay... one more reworking of Ch3. The flow has not changed. The edits - thanks to metoo and PeteMork for suggestions- rework the emotions of the three characters as things progress.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Thu Jul 05, 2012 2:16 pm

Chapter 4 is posted.

Thank You to metoo, PeteMork and EEA for their reviews - which were done some weeks ago.

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by Clubmeister » Thu Jul 05, 2012 8:54 pm

Yes... Hungry Abby... Everyone is unhappy, who's on her way. No matter - is it direct victim or not.
Sorry, Gk, for poor review, it's because my poor understanding of details. I only see, that the details are described perfectly, as usual.
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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by PeteMork » Fri Jul 06, 2012 3:15 am

I liked your additions to Chapter 3. They made the reasons for Abby's final diner choicemuch clearer, but not obvious.

And your tweaking of the ending was very effective. Just the right amount of :shock:.
We never stop reading, although every book comes to an end, just as we never stop living, although death is certain. (Roberto Bolaño)

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Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic

Post by gkmoberg1 » Fri Jul 13, 2012 10:22 pm

About "Pittsburgh"

The evening, from Abby's Point of View, 2-Jan-1984:

[from LMI2's Chapter 8] Abby gets up at/after dusk, finds Owen is not going to leave her, plants kisses all over his face, they steal a car from a Pittsburgh suburb, she flies off to find dinner. [from P's Ch1] Abby flies into the area of a Pittsburgh street of row houses. Her goal is to successfully feed quickly and return to Owen. She spots two parents driving off in a car, leaving one figure alone on a quiet street. Setting this guy as her target, she drops onto a nearby darkened porch and goes into one of her strategies. She picks the "I'm locked out" strategy. Monitoring his moving on/off the porch, she feels he is sufficiently distracted and off-guard. She moves down the street to him and gets invited inside. [from P's Ch2] After getting inside she soon finds her target is not alone. She needs to know who else is in the house because in order to feed, she needs time. She gets to use the phone as a stall tactic but over the next couple of minutes she finds she is no further towards figuring out whether the other person in the house is a threat. She also begins a dislike of her target, due to how he treats her. Fortunately he offers to head to the basement, which she sees as a positive development. She follows along. Once he's in the basement, he is far better target, if she can subdue his quickly. She sets up and he continues to be majorly distracted. Unfortunately his friend arrives, setting her back. [from P's Ch3] The friend's arrival has her concerned for a short while. She cannot subdue two people who are in different directions from her with yet a third person in the house. She would not be able to feed. Her initial target then really angers her by talking about her in the 3rd person while she's standing right there, fully indicating his distaste for her. It takes control for her not to simply go after him at this point. Fortunately the new arrival moves down the stairs and into the basement. She moves back onto the stairs to keep them hemmed in. At this point she knows she could take them both out. Yet the new arrival proves to be friendly and soon offers to take her away. Once outside she can try any number of options on him. Things are looking good but yet again her initial target angers her as the more recent arrival exits. Yet she takes off after the departing meal. [from P's Ch4] We find Abby decided to abandon Dale and return to Randy - who had been left alone in the basement and had remained there, far enough from whomever else is in the house. After feeding, she returns to Owen. [from LMI2's Ch8] Abby returns to where she left Owen. She cleans up. She and Owen leave the Pittsburgh area.

The evening, from Randy's Point of View:

Gets up late after having been up all night on New Years Eve. Has something to eat. Annoys his sister. His parents leave for the evening. He knows Dale is about to arrive. He likes to Dale; Dale can be manipulated to do what he wants him to do. He wants to set up the basement and practice. He is excited about getting a band formed. Some loser girl arrives, tells him a lame story about being locked out (he's not sure she's at all telling him the truth), lets her tag along as he goes to the basement to set up the band equipment. Just before Dale arrives, the girl badly scares him - he has no idea what's up with her but takes a strong dislike to her and wants to get rid of her asap. Dale arrives, they do a very small amount of playing. Dale takes the kid away...

The evening, from Dale's Point of View:

The stores are closed because of the holiday but Dale ends up at his local employer helping set up the store for the coming week. He gets off work, drives to Randy's place, finds he has an unexpected guest. Realizing Randy the girl seem about to get into a fight - which he finds odd - he tries to reduce the stress. Eventually decides the girl needs to be helped out. Plus he cannot stand Randy's stand-off mood. He leaves with Abby.

The evening from Amy's Point of View:

As her parents leave the evening, she heads to her room so as to avoid her brother. She remains there. She hears Dale's noisy arrival and knows he has joined Randy - probably in the basement. Later, is confused to then hear Dale's voice on the answering machine. Heads to the basement to find what's going on.... When asked about the evening by the FBI Agent, she lies and said she never heard anything prior to the answering machine.

The story from Agent Alvirez' Point of View:

Spends the 2-Jan-1984 arriving in Brooklyn, touring the scene at the Hospital and starting to get a bearing on what might have been in progress. Learns of a suspicious death on 3-Jan-1984, spends day learning more of situation in Brooklyn. Flies on 4-Jan-1984 to Pittsburgh. Tours house, talks to parents and Amy. Goes to police station, listens to tape. Interviews Dale. Goes to morgue. Wraps up he can learn and returns to Brooklyn 5-Jan-1984.

Things I added for fun:

Decided to not state conclusions the Reader can make on their own. 1) Randy has to have said "You may come in." 2) It is Dale that interrupts Abby at the end of Ch2. 3) Abby made a choice between Randy and Dale. - The most important aspect of the story, that Abby makes a decision of who lives/dies - is excluded from the story. The inclusion of the death in Ch4 is intentionally made uninteresting to assert that this was not the point of the story. We knew all along that somebody was going to perish.

Abby projects some of her planning, possibly without her knowing. 1) Randy in Ch2 ponders that he has cut off her escape path. 2) Dale in Ch3 realizes he and Randy are isolated in the basement.

Little Lessons Learned:

Don't be a jerk. Don't anger vampires. Don't make Abby angry at you. 8-)

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