Re: Pittsburgh, a LMI2 Fan Fic
Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 4:26 am
I have a couple updates for Chapter Three. As usual for me, it pays to not read something for several days and then give it a fresh look. Otherwise I'm too close to it and cannot see the mistakes.
First, here is a part that I am still struggling with.
I don't know if what I wrote in the story gets across this idea. I'm still muddling over it.
Second, a part that struck me was I failed to include Abby's irritation. She moves, during the course of CH3 from being on the hunt to being increasingly angry with Randy and then finally takes off after Dale - thus returning to being on the hunt. Nice of Randy to help out his friend in that way, huh? Right, he'll likely next be angry with Dale for not bothering to show anymore simply because he's dead. Sheesh, what an excuse. I'd be angry at Dale too.
To correct this I want to add a bit of description to replace the "tension seemed high" kind of statements with showing "why" they are high. Abby needs to move down the stairs at Randy as if she is still coming at him - she has provoked him and she's none to pleased. Plus she's still in hunt mode, eager to get things over, yet blocked by Dale's arrival.
First, here is a part that I am still struggling with.
The idea is that Randy likes to control things by being, well, a tyrant. He attacks one thing and if that doesn't work, then he moves on to something else. If you go back to Ch1, you'll see he is upset with Dale from the start. Yet the things he mentions are hardly items worthy of being upset about. Even so, Randy is preparing himself, girding himself with all things that he can use to be irritated abuout with Dale. Sweet, huh? So in the above, his whining about Dale's late arrival has been countered by Dale, who has said that he got here straight after getting off work at 7:30. That happens to be the time set for Ch1 wherein, yup, Randy was exclaiming "Idiot" into the night air, irritated that Dale was late yet again... Dale doesn't know this was happening, but as we see here, it was. Dale was right. Anyway, Dale's countering Randy's initial reason for being upset merely causes Randy to attack something else - Abby. Although he never really gives Dale a reason for why he is doing this."No, I mean HER," Randy responded, punctuating this with a wild swing of cables.
This argumentative shifting was a tactic Randy's commonly used. Dale knew the "About time!" exclamations were made about the punctuality of his arrival. If he was getting off work at seven thirty, then Randy could reliably be expected to make the jump that Dale would be at the basement *at* seven thirty. Ridiculous, of course. Yet when this was brought up, as he had just done, Randy would shift the conversation and frustration to something else. In this case, he was shifting the assault over to Abby.
I don't know if what I wrote in the story gets across this idea. I'm still muddling over it.
Second, a part that struck me was I failed to include Abby's irritation. She moves, during the course of CH3 from being on the hunt to being increasingly angry with Randy and then finally takes off after Dale - thus returning to being on the hunt. Nice of Randy to help out his friend in that way, huh? Right, he'll likely next be angry with Dale for not bothering to show anymore simply because he's dead. Sheesh, what an excuse. I'd be angry at Dale too.
To correct this I want to add a bit of description to replace the "tension seemed high" kind of statements with showing "why" they are high. Abby needs to move down the stairs at Randy as if she is still coming at him - she has provoked him and she's none to pleased. Plus she's still in hunt mode, eager to get things over, yet blocked by Dale's arrival.