Prompt: "Awakening from hibernation, Oskar discovers that his mother has passed away in the interim and decides to finally make the visit he never allowed himself to have...and to say the words he wished he had said, so long ago.
“Förlåt” said Oskar softly as he sat in grass next to his mother’s marker. He wasn’t sure what to do next.
It was his second time to visit her. The first had been short, some three evenings ago, and he had not been prepared. A rush of memories, guilt and loss overwhelmed him, much more than he had anticipated. As soon as he had verified he had the right location, he had retreated. He had not wanted to, but the flood in his head would not leave him alone.
This evening Oskar found he could settle himself. He wanted this moment, not that he knew what to do with it. A minute or so passed and he found himself yet steadier. Allowing himself to open up to the quiet scene around him, he took more measured breaths and let a bit of comfort seep in.
The breeze of this cool early October evening lightly blew through his hair. She would have told him to put on a hat. She would have asked him where his gloves were, even though it wasn’t that cold. Just as likely, she would have questioned his choice of sweater.
Of course that was all over. No more reminders. No more teasing. No more homework together. No more assembling the weekend advert deliveries. No more guessing along with her when Nutcrackers was on TV. Nothing more of her voice other than his memory of it.
And there was nothing he could do about it, any of it.
He chose to focus on nothingness. It was a skill he had learned during the intervening years. There had been tremendous spans of time, chasms, where walls and silence had confronted him. Mastery Over Nothingness, as he called it, had allowed him to survive. Survival meant to be here in the moment, moving forward with the moments as they moved.
“Mother,” he dared after a long pause wherein he centered himself. “For you I will write all this out. You deserve to know.”
The breeze blew his words gently into the evening. Yet he had a direction now. After an hour he rose, mentally hugged her as he so longed to do, and strode off.
~oOo~
“I got home three weeks ago,” Oskar started on the following visit. He hadn’t yet sat down next to her as he was eager to begin. There was an elderly couple nearby, paused by a marker similar to his mother’s, but he ignored them.
“I went to the apartment. Knocked. But there was no answer. Then I found the mail sort at the entrance named a new resident. The next day I asked about you but none know where you had gone. It’s been six years and eventually I found you had been gone for three. But at that, there was nothing more to go on.”
“You are wondering how I found you. Yes? I was able to reach your sister.” Realizing he was still standing, he sat down next to her. The grass was cool and he let his hands play along it. He did not care whether the elderly coupled stared. Let them do so if they wanted.
“Had to do some work to get her number. That was hard. Not that she wanted to talk to me. How can I blame her? She told me not to call again and hung up.
“But I tried again several days later. This time I started with asking about her family. We had not seen them for a long time, back then, remember?
“Eventually she told me you were there, in Åkersberga. “Åkersberga?” I said, not realizing how stupid that sounded. That is funny, I suppose. But you must remember how young I would have been when we last visited.
“I then said I wanted to come. And that’s when she told me you were dead.”
~oOo~
“Tonight I will tell you a little about before. You realize I am telling you this backwards.”
Oskar resumed his seat beside her. It was colder this evening. The breeze was from the northeast and if the rain arrived before he left, it would be cold.
“I was in East Germany before I came home. I am sure you knew that. The polis would have told you. When I was first put in detention a man had come from the Swedish consulate, through Berlin, to see me. But only once. He asked me about how I had ended up in Potsdam, how why I had done what I had done. I told him simply that it was because of circumstances. I said no more to him than that.
“Did you know that? Was it in the papers? The boy from the swimming pool massacre, found in Potsdam behind the Iron Curtain.
“You never wrote. And nobody from the consulate came after that. Four years then went by. Me, in detention. I suppose you knew. I’m sure it broke your heart. Broke your heart for a second time.
“So, did you not write? Maybe you did. And maybe the Germans chose not to deliver it. Or maybe you didn’t. I can tell you they would not let me contact you. Four years. That’s how long I was there, and I wondered about you the whole time.
~oOo~
He had brought flowers for her. And a candle.
“There was a trial for me in Potsdam. I was put on trial for the murder of six men. The court found me guilty, not that they had any doubt. Then they transferred me from the first place I had been locked up to a second one. That’s where I spent my time. That’s where I learned about Nothingness.
“There is a lot of German that I don’t know. This is especially true for all the words they have in the court system. I didn’t understand much of any of it as a result. But I knew what the outcome would be and where I was headed.
~oOo~
It was a week later when Oskar returned. Leaves blew across the little rows. The sun was setting earlier and soon there would be snow.
“Did I kill them?” he said to her. “I did not. But yet I had a part in it.
“Please understand I never met them. I never saw them. I never knew their names or where the deaths happened. But mother, yes, I was part of it. And that is why when the Germans broke into the little place, the old farmhouse where I was staying, I went with them. They had their guns and I had nothing. Worse, I had something to hide. Or rather somebody to hide. So I got up, they hit me about, and then led me away.
~oOo~
“I don’t want to tell you about the deaths, the murders. I don’t think you’d want to hear about that.
“Let me tell you how I got there. Then let me tell you how I got out.
“I had found the farmhouse within a week of arriving in East Germany. We had come from Poland. Which is another story. But as I am telling you to this backwards, you’ll have to wait.
“Maybe I should talk about ‘we’. I’m not sure how. Even after all this time.
“We picked the farmhouse because it was quiet and out of the way. We needed to be quiet wherever we went. That’s just how it was. Oh gosh, That’s just how it is. That phrase brings back memories.” And with that the memories flooded through Oskar. He had to stop and his mind was taken away. He curled on the grass by her side and waited it out, yet savoring the pain of the memories. Nothingness brought him peace after a long while.
~oOo~
He sat down again next to her on a yet colder, windier evening. There would be snow soon. The ground was already hard. The grass no longer felt good to stroke.
“Sorry mother. I didn’t finish last time. I had said I would tell you how I got out.
“When the wall came down in Berlin there was a lot of upset throughout the east. I am told it was like a wave the gripped all, swelling outward. When it reached Potsdam the guards simply let us all go. I have no idea why – to be honest. Simply put, one day they opened all the cells and said we could go. I – I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. I simply went, stumbled about for a bit, and made my way home.
“I want to try again to tell you about ‘we’.
“I had a friend in Blackeberg before I left. You never met him. But he is the one who saved me. He is the one I went away with. Did you possibly know any of that? How can I tell you about him?
“We traveled together for about two years. We tried, but I was never like him - I realize that doesn't make sense.
"We made our way south over the months, starting in Karlstad. It was a wild time, especially as I think about it now. There were times when I wanted to call you. But we had made a pact that I would not. I couldn’t. Not just because of the pact, but because of all else it would mean and lead to.
“On wild idea we caught a transport to Poland. Poland was hard. Really hard. For me, not for him. Somehow he know the right way to act and how to be blend in. I did not and had to carefully follow his lead. So often I was hungry and sick. After several months we had crossed out of Poland into East Germany.
“And then we got caught. Or, well, I got caught.
~oOo~
“I spend a long time talking to you even when I am not here at your side. It does not matter, does it? Today I brought something to sit on. The snow is building up. But I will keep coming.
“I talked about ‘we’ last time. I think I need to go just a little bit further with that.
“On that day when the Germans found me, I did so because I needed to protect the ‘we’
“My friend, the boy I left with, he was there too. I left him that day out of need, not that I wanted to.
“But it cost me. It’s been six years since then. All those years thinking of you. Thinking of him. Learning to live with nothingness around me. I have found you. And I can only say Sorry to you forever.
“Where he is, this hurts mom,… I have nothing, no idea.”
I suppose that wins. Okay, it wins. By a lot.