Finished - Thoughts (Spoilers ahead)

[danielmann861]

Well, I just finished I Am Behind You. I figured I would get around to reading and finishing it before I Am The Tiger arrived this week.

I started this trilogy with I Always Find You and was left with an abundance of questions. I Am Behind You left me with a few more although I think have some ideas as to what is going on. Hopefully I Am The Tiger answers some of these questions.

So what are the white beings? My first thought after getting into I Am Behind You was they were shape shifters. Their white undefined presence is but their true self. They have no definition and simply take the form of what we fear in order to fuck with us. But then again, the ending of I Always Find You makes me question that theory. They obviously feed off blood. That much was made further clear for me with I Always Find You and the apartment complex feeding the black goo their own blood to enter the portal. The world itself seems to feed itself with blood.

So what is the field? In general? One question that I kind of hope gets answered in I Am The Tiger but also kind of fear being answered as I fear it could be a let down to what I've built in my own mind.

I'm gonna get up my own ass here, but am I crazy in thinking that as it is presented in I Am Behind You, you could almost read the field as being a representation of purgatory? They're all marked for termination. They all have a sordid past they're running from. The world feeds off of that fear almost as if it is condemning them in final judgment. I mean to me, the obvious theory is purgatory and it is simply their day of judgment. But alas, there are many things that contradict it. Peter's belief that there is no god in his presence for example. Also Olaf and Lennart don't have much of a sordid past but their conflict seemed more so their denial (or being in the closet). Also, the world in I Always Find You seems to operate as a form of nirvana for those seeking escape (at a cost though)...so I guess I'm left with more questions. As presented in I Am Behind You, you could almost consider it a form of purgatory...but as is presented in I Always Find You...it seems to be a real place that can be entered via portal and can offer temporary bliss at a price...hence I am left with more questions than answers.

Why were they chosen or branded with the X? Obviously has a lot to do with their fractured past lives. They were all running from their past in one way or another and that was the thing they had in common. They were all struck with guilt and grief to some degree and this world seems to feed off of that guilt and fear. The largely unexplained mechanics of this world fascinate me...then again, maybe it isn't all that important for something so surreal.

Maybe I need to go back and re-read the Himmelstrand passage at the end. It was 3:30 am in the morning so maybe I didn't fully process that but it left me more confused than anything else.

Other thoughts...I found the characters fascinating as a whole. Molly was unquestionably the most intriguing to me and her role in all of this. The uncertain love story between Olaf and Lennart was rather beautiful to me.

The acid rain sequence was incredible and arguably my favourite set piece of the book. Incredibly tense all around.

I guess the ending leaves me with more questions. Much the same way it does in I Always Find You, the world seemingly collapses in on itself as darkness eventually takes over. Leaving me to wonder what became of them in total darkness...obviously the mind goes towards death and the afterlife, or becoming the white beings themselves....again, forgive me if I got that wrong. It was 3:30 am when I was reading the last few pages so maybe I do need to go back and re-read those last few pages when fully awake in the day time.

The characters of I Always Find You were using the portal as a means to escape their dreary life as the portal offered them their wildest fantasies. While the theme of I Am Behind You seemed to be the portal feeding of their past tragedies and using that fear to unravel them.

I am super interested to see where this all leads to in I Am The Tiger...perhaps I'll get a start on it this week and find out for myself.

All in all, I did like I Am Behind You on its own terms. I found the characters and their past lives to be fascinating. I find that world and its mechanics inherently fascinating. It's been an utterly surreal experience in both books thus far.

I guess its onwards to I Am The Tiger....maybe we'll get some further answers, or maybe not.

[Vampyr5000]

I just recently finished the book. Like you, I read I Always Find You first, and I am yet to read I Am The Tiger. My first thoughts are that it was definitely an entertaining book that had me always wondering what was going to happen next. Not a dull moment. I felt this was a two edged sword though...in my opinion there was just too much going on, and the story was being pulled in too many directions, with too much being left to conjecture. Unlike IAFY, which I loved, I felt this sort of literary overstimulation made me care less about the characters overall than I did in IAFY or of course LTROI. But like I mentioned, it's still definitely a page turner.

I like your idea of the reason they were marked as that they were all running from something in their past, and that the place seems to act as some sort of purgatory. I also thought it was interesting how Olaf and Lennart were the only ones that seemed immune to the white creatures, as far as not being misled or otherwise falling victim to them. They seemed like men generally at peace with themselves and with each other, overall.

As far as the creatures go, I found the line that went something like "they are found in the mountains and the sea, waiting for blood. For blood is life." interesting. (I'm paraphrasing hard, as I don't have the book with me right now). It's like they are some sort of underworld spirit that longs to be fed. I've been reading a bit about Haitian Vodou lately, and especially in IAFY the white being reminds me of the Lwa, a sort of spirit that needs to be fed (with blood or foodstuffs), and in return this spirit can possess its followers in ritual, imparting to them secrets and knowledge, etc. The bathtub part of IAFY calls that to mind a lot.

The idea of this alternate universe being transported around in some sort of sideral caravan was a creative one. As well as Donald taking over for Himmelstrand as the driver/keeper. Why was he chosen? Was is for his general sociopathy and linear mind? One wonders.

I agree it is a novel that leaves one with many questions. I'll be starting I am the Tiger soon and I'll see if at least some of the answers are there.