Oskar sat on the porch swing and watched absently as the sky grew darker in the west. From there, he could see the perfect reflection of the Moon on the still, glassy surface of the lake below the house. Eli had already been gone for a half hour or so, and he had just finished a bit of repair work on the porch railing. It was nice to finally be able to work on something that really belonged to them for a change. They had been saving money religiously for six years now and it had finally paid off. He had to admit that Eli’s money had been the bulk of their assets, but he was still proud to have contributed most of what he had earned over the years – earnings that had gradually increased as he got older and became more experienced. At any rate, they had done it. They had fallen in love with the house the first time they had seen it in the moonlight, unassumingly perched on that small hill at the edge of the forest. “Eli, it’s perfect! But are you sure? It really ties us down. And if we need to leave quickly, we’ll lose so much,” he had told her, worriedly.
“It’s what you need, Oskar. I know it. And don’t worry; we’ll never have to leave. I’ve…worked it out.” She had smiled at him coyly, and refused to be more specific, no matter how much he had tried to dig it out of her.
He sighed, then carefully put his tools away in the garage. Now that he was of age, and actually looked 18, everything had suddenly become easier for them. Of course paying cash for the house had certainly helped. He felt he was now in a position to at least begin to pay her back for …everything. He was so happy now. He thoroughly enjoyed just thinking about spending the rest of his life with her and her amazingly unpredictable ways and her almost daily surprises. His life had been really worth living now for six straight years, and he saw no end in sight.
He looked at his watch. 10:00PM. He stood up and stretched, then went inside, took a long, relaxing shower, and finally slipped into bed. He read for awhile, then finally, knowing that Eli might not be back for quite some time, turned off the light and dozed off.
§
He woke up as she slipped into bed beside him and snuggled up against him. He turned around sleepily and put his arms around her. “Hi, Pixie.” He took a deep breath and smelled the sweet scent of roses, her favorite-- and his. He could feel her hair against his shoulder, and the warmth of her body against his.
She smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek.
He thought about how much he loved her, how much she meant to him. He squeezed her tightly as he felt her wrap her legs around him and nestle up against his neck. He felt the lightness of her touch as she ran her hand down his arm and clasped his hand tightly in hers. For years now it had been the same, never diminishing in emotional impact; a moment he still looked forward to, as much as he ever had. She was so precious to him. It was as though she represented some sort of ethereal, other-worldly perfection, but it was even more than that. Her strength, her mysteriousness, her power, and her darkness, contrasted so starkly with her sweet vulnerability, her gentle manner, and her unassuming devotion to him, that even thinking about it made him dizzy. And as he had gradually grown older, his fears of losing her, of leaving her behind because she was 12, no longer concerned him – because he realized finally that she was not only 12, but ageless. Thus, along with his growing maturity had come a deepening love, an even more meaningful love. Eli was his precious ageless child; his best friend, his love, his confidant, his savior; pure, yet a bit frightening in all that her dark nature implied.
She had protected him, more than he had imagined possible, for those first six years. But her determination to protect him was undiminished even now, and in some ways even more intense, as though she was conscious of his aging and knew that he was becoming a man, and that, as an adult, he would be much harder to protect the way she wanted to; from her darkness.
After those first days, he never knew exactly where and how she fed. She had deliberately and religiously kept the details from him all these years, but he knew a night of feeding always culminated in this ritual, this bathing, this slipping into their bed and loving him; this loving him with a fierce, urgent intensity. Perhaps it was the only time she felt it was safe to be so very close; he didn’t know for sure, because when he had asked her about it, a gentle smile had been her only response.
“Oskar? Are you happy? Do I make you happy?” she looked worried; worried in that sweet, child-like way she had about her sometimes.
“Of course!” he was surprised at the question. “Why do you ask?”
“I’m worried about you. You’re 18 now, and I’m…still a child. Aren’t you even a bit lonely? Don’t you wish for something …more than just a …child? Someone who’s older; someone who could …fulfill your needs?
“And what needs would those be, Eli?” he honestly wasn’t sure what she was getting at.
“The needs of all men. Or at least all that I’ve known before you.” Elias looked up at him anxiously. “You know…”
Oskar smiled at her. “You’re silly, you know that? How could you be so old and still be so silly?” He ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her on the forehead. He knew Eli’s wisdom was far deeper and more profound than his and her life experiences were far more varied and complex than his own would ever be; that’s why he loved it so when she became sweet and child-like again. He dreaded the thought that he could ever get so old that he couldn’t be with her as a child. It was the essence of what she was in spite of everything. And being with her every day made it impossible for him to forget. And he loved Elias for being what he was … and who she was. It was a complete, inseparable package. Take it or leave it. He smiled to himself.
He thought about how hard it had been for them at first; how important their love had been in keeping them together. But, in the end, it had been wonderful for him; character-building. Elias knew what he needed and was always able to give it to him, when it counted the most. And in doing so, he had inadvertently shown Oskar the responsibilities of love. And he had learned his lesson well. He knew what she needed and, because he could give her more in return as an adult than he ever could as a child, he was happy to grow older. Because, ultimately, he knew he would never be older than she was.
“I don’t need it,” he said, dismissively. “I don’t need those things.”
Elias looked at him carefully, “But…do you want it?”
“To tell the truth, Eli, I haven’t really given it much thought...”
“Because I’ll give it to you if you want it,” he said softly.
Oskar blushed, then took her hands gently in his own, “No, Eli. You can’t,” he whispered.
“I know I really can’t but…I can…let you do other things that…”
He put his arms around her, “No. You misunderstood me. I won’t let you give me…that.”
His mind raced as he thought about what she was willing to do for him, but he couldn’t wrap his mind around the terrible sacrifice she had just offered to make for him. He knew, even before he had loved her, before he had really loved her, what her life had been like. She had shown him. And over the years, he had heard many more horror stories about her lonely existence and the many betrayals she had endured. And he knew it wasn’t the sex that hurt her so deeply; it was the repeated betrayal of her love, the wanton selfishness of those who befriended her. And she was a child. Her never-changing childlike innocence left her open to the wiles of sexual predators over and over again, no matter what they were willing to give her in return for her body. The very thought of this endless desecration of her beautiful soul made him sick to his stomach.
“Is it because I’m just a child? And you’re grown up now? And wouldn’t want a child to…” he paused, “Or is that I’m not a girl? And you wouldn’t want to…”
He looked into her beautiful blue eyes, trying to imagine what it would be like to not love her; and to be able to do these…things to her. It was impossible. He impulsively took her face gently in his hands and kissed her. “Eli, if I thought it would make you happy, I would do anything for you that you asked of me. It wouldn’t mean anything to me if it didn’t make you happy.”
“But it WOULD make me happy! I’d know I was making you happy.” Elias had thought about this for a long time. He knew Oskar was grown up now, and he knew from experience what that meant sexually. He had seen Oskar looking at particularly pretty girls in the evenings when they walked downtown together, and he had told him about a really pretty girl he had talked to at the beach one day while Elias was alone at home, and how she had flirted with him. And he was afraid; afraid that Oskar would want to marry someday, and that he might not want him around any more. Oskar, in spite of knowing that Elias was a boy, still thought of him as a girl; He had told him so, many times – and Elias didn’t mind at all. Being one or the other had never been problematic for him; in fact he loved being a girl for Oskar – unless, of course, they were competing in certain games; games he had played in his distant boyhood. Then he was a boy through and through, and Oskar knew this and reveled in it.
“Oh Eli! How could you have gotten it so wrong? I could never do that to you, as a child OR as an adult. What you mean to me makes it impossible. It could never make me happy.” He thought about all the conversations they had; all the give and take, and how as he got older, she somehow changed to accommodate his growing maturity. It seemed that, no matter what he read, or what he learned as he grew older, Eli had almost always either read it or experienced it. He never felt as though he was older or wiser than she, even though her “child” always remained quietly in the background, tempering his anger and his always-present rage at how unfair her burden was and how little he could do to relieve her of it.
“But I wouldn’t mind at all, you see. Those others; I did it because I had to and they wouldn’t help me if I didn’t. But I love you. I really want to do this for you!” he absently ran his hands up and down Oskar’s arms. He was becoming frightened now. Had he gone too far? Would Oskar be angry with him – or worse, think less of him?
Oskar could feel her heart beating against his chest; her warmth, her eagerness—and her anxiety. “Okay, Eli. If that’s what you really want…” he felt her relax in his arms, “But I need to ask you something and I want your promise that you will tell me the truth.”
Elias nodded eagerly, “Anything! You can ask me anything.” He caressed Oskar’s face gently, lovingly. He was everything to him, and now he could show him. Everything would be fine now.
“If you knew, if you really knew deep in your heart, that I loved you completely and would never, ever leave you no matter how many pretty girls I talked to and thought about, and no matter how many children you thought I might want to have, with a loving wife by my side, living in this beautiful home you and I picked out together, would you still feel a need to do this with me? Would it bring you closer to me, and most important of all, would it bring me closer to you?” He looked directly into her eyes.
Elias met his gaze for a moment, defiantly, then looked away, “I…”
“As I thought! Enough of this silliness, Elias. I’ll never leave you, and you should know it by now. I’m actually a bit disappointed in you. And in Eli too.” He winked at her.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that…” He stopped. He felt a bit silly now. How could he have ever doubted Oskar’s bond with him? Their kisses always told him everything. In that mirror, he was always Eli, and always beautiful. After six years nothing had changed, except for the better. But the burden of over 200 years of self-doubt and loathing still lay there over his heart like a leaden weight. It had only just barely begun to lift.
And it had begun with his decision to buy a home for them, reached when he had, for the first time since the Change, discovered a new way to feed.
Eli smiled to herself. Perhaps someday she would tell Oskar how clever she had been. But not now. Not tonight…
“I love you Oskar,” she whispered.
“I love you too, Eli.” He hesitated, “Do you remember when you flew to my room that first night? And you told me you weren’t a boy; weren’t a girl; weren’t old and weren’t a child?”
Elias nodded. “I told you I was nothing.”
“Well, you couldn’t have been more wrong. You’re all of those things to me; don’t you understand? And I love each of them with all my heart. Who in this world could ever hope to compete with you?”
He rocked her to sleep gently, cradling her in his arms, and listened to her purring, softly and quietly, against his neck. He felt as though he could lie with her like this forever and ever.
And she loved him for it – for all he was; for all he had given her. How will I ever, ever pay him back? She smiled to herself as she began to count the ways.