Goodbye, my friend.
If I'd known that jar had vitriol in it, if I'd known what you'd planned on doing with it, I'd have stopped you. There had to be another way. Why did you have to do that!? I mean, I know why, but... why did you think you had to do something you knew I would never ask you to do?
You weren't the best helper I ever had, but you weren't the worst, either. Not by a long ways. I didn't like the way you sometimes smelled, that smell men get when they want to do things with my body, but you were decent enough to try to keep it to yourself. You didn't try to force me into things, even if you were almost always looking for a way to talk me into it. You were even kind to me sometimes.
I'm sorry you burned your face off, more sorry than I know how to say, but I guess you were right to want to die. Your life wouldn't have been much different from mine, in a box forever. And also, truth be told, I guess I agreed to kill you because I could never be sure you wouldn't tell somebody about me someday. I can't afford that, not even if they think you're just crazy. They don't always think men are crazy when they tell such stories.
Besides, I was hungry.
I didn't enjoy killing you. Not even a little bit. I hate eating people I like. I don't think I loved you, but I liked you well enough, even when you didn't bring food home. Will you be going to heaven now, Hakan, or will you be going to hell? If I believed in such things, if I had a vote, I think you'd like heaven better. You weren't a bad man, you just weren't a very good hunter.
The police will take your body away and cut it up. They do that these days. They can slice chunks out of your body and put them into machines, and those machines can say things about where you're from and what you ate and where you lived. They'll start coming around the neighbourhood asking questions, and sooner or later, maybe somebody will remember seeing you with me, remember we lived together, that I'm your "daughter".
This gets so old. It even gets old just thinking about it how old it gets. I don't think I can stay in Blackeberg much longer.
Hakan, my friend, I'll miss you, I think. Now, I'm all on my own again.
Oskar...
I didn't tell you I wouldn't see "that boy" last night, Hakan, but I didn't tell you I would, either. Doesn't matter now. It's not last night anymore!
[whoosh!]
There he is, up past his ears in blankets. All I can see is his hair. Is it strange that I find his hair beautiful? He's all snuggled up, sleeping safe and comfortable and warm in the house he lives in with his mother. He's not worried about where his next meal is coming from, or that it'll fight back or show up at his door with torches and jugs of gasoline. He's not worried he's going to turn into a monster every time he smells something good and just start eating everybody in sight without knowing it. He's not worried the person he lives with might visit him in his sleep wanting something he doesn't want to give.
Right now, he's not worried about anything at all. He's just a big fluffy bundle of snoring Oskar!
And here I am, on the outside looking in. Just like always. Perched on a window sill, hanging on by a claw, just like always. Trying not to be seen. just like always.
Out in the cold, just like always.
It never used to bother me. This is just what life is. Just like the cold, I didn't feel it.
It bothers me now. I feel it now.
It's like, all this time, I was awake but not alive. I only needed helpers to find food for me when I'm weak (OK, be honest with yourself, Elias, when you don't want to face what you are). I never needed anybody for anything else but signing papers. I was OK with spending all my time doing puzzles or watching TV or reading stuff. I was OK with never laughing and never crying. I was OK with always having to argue and fight and sometimes do things I didn't like in order to get them to do what I couldn't do for myself.
Things I had to make them do. I mean, it's just business, right? I do stuff for you, and then you do stuff for me. Some people say that's really what love is, and it sure seems that way. And that was OK for longer than I care to remember.
I was OK with not feeling anything, Oskar, until you did to me whatever it is you did to me at the candy store. Do you know what you did? Could you tell me if you knew? Could you make me understand it? I don't like not understanding things! It scares me!
Are you a magician?
You made me understand there's a lot I don't understand. A lot I don't know. But you don't scare me, and I don't understand that, either. I might not understand you, but you don't scare me. How funny is that?
Is it because you never want me to do things I don't want to do?
How is it you seem to really understand me so well even though you don't know a goddamn thing about me?
What almost scares me most, I think, is that I can't seem to figure out what you want. I don't know what it is you think I can give you.
You know what, though? Right now, I'm all alone, and feeling bad that I just ate my helper. I feel bad because he wasn't food, and I feel bad that he died when he didn't really have to, and I feel bad that I don't understand why he did what he did. That scares me a lot, too, not understanding why he did that.
Right now, I want to feel your warmth. I want to hear your voice. I want to listen to your heart beat and breathe in your smell and...
Heh.
What I want is for you to make me laugh again. It feels so good to laugh. I want you to make me feel OK again.
If I could open wide and eat you right up, all of you, just take you inside me so you'd be there with me no matter wherever I went, if I could do that without killing you or even taking you out of your soft, warm bed, I'd do it in a heartbeat. You'd always be there to hold me and make me feel better when I'm sad and lonely. You'd always be there to tell me it's OK. You could make me feel it, make me believe it somehow.
But I can't do that, can I? All I can take is your blood, and when that's gone, so are you.
Or, maybe I could...
... but no, if I did that, you'd be like me, wouldn't you? Maybe even worse. You probably wouldn't be Oskar anymore. I don't like me very much, why would I like it if you were like me? Bad idea.
But I can do the next best thing. I can wrap myself around you and let you warm me up.
Oskar!
I can't tap on the glass any harder, and I can't talk any louder. Can he hear me? His mother's home. I don't think his mother knows about me. Works for me, let's keep it that way. Can't wake up the neighbours, either. All I need is for some loudmouth idiot with a flashlight seeing me here on this window sill hanging on by a claw with my bony butt a mile out into the air.
Hee... he sleeps like I do. That wasn't a word, "Mmm?"
Can I come in?
His head is coming off the pillow. He's waking up, a little bit. He's looking around.
Oh, no! No no no. He doesn't know anything about me yet. He can't see me hanging out on his windowsill. Real people can't do that. Not even if he does look and sound half dead and might think he's dreaming, he can not see me like this.
Don't look at me!
Someday soon, I think, I'll have to tell him. Not tonight, though. I can't deal with that tonight. God, when that happens, it's gonna be so bad, but... no. Not tonight. Please, please, no, not tonight.
His head drops back down to the pillow. Wake up a little bit! Please!
Why do I think he's so cute with his hair everywhere? I usually don't notice what anybody looks like. I almost never care.
But you have to say I can come in.
He's really not awake. He sounds like he's talking to somebody in his dreams.
Is the bedroom window always unlatched? Who cares? Easier to get in quietly!
I have blood and snow and dirt on my clothes. I should have stopped at home first, taken a shower, gotten some clean clothes. Urgh, do I even have any? He wouldn't want my filth in his bed. On him.
I could just take all my clothes off. Not much I can do about my feet, hands or face, but maybe that wouldn't matter. The rest of me should be clean enough. I hope. Do I smell "funny" again? I hope not.
This isn't somethingI'd usually do unless I had to. Being naked in bed always means having to...
Close your eyes.
... but Oskar somehow never manages to do things that bother me. What's more strange is that he doesn't seem to be bothered by things I say or do. He never puts me down or laughs at me or says I'm wrong. I really hope he won't think this is strange or something, because I really really need this.
Strip and get into that bed!
I don't understand why I'm so comfortable doing this, but I am!
Actually, that's a lie, isn't it? I know why I'm so comfortable with it. I've been with more men than I can count. Oskar isn't going to try to take anything from me that hundreds of others haven't tried to take - and he'll probably want much less than most of them wanted. What I really don't understand is why I'm even thinking about it just now, if it's something that just doesn't matter.
Well, maybe not that comfortable. Get out of these filthy things and into the bed quick before he changes his mind and turns around and looks and sees! No telling what his real boy's eyes might see in the dark, no point in taking chances!
[rustle rustle!]
These blankets sure feel good on my shoulders. They smell nice. Sure, they smell like Oskar, and that's very nice, but they smell clean, too.
When did I stop being worried about whether things are clean or not? About whether I'm clean or not? It's still not a big thing for me, but it seems to please Oskar that I shower and wear cleaner clothes. It sure feels good to be wrapped up in clean things, doesn't it...?
He's asking how I got in. Would he believe this? Hee...
I flew.
He thinks I'm strange anyway. Will he think this is a joke? I hope so. I don't actually like lying, really hate it when people try to do it to me. What will I say if he calls bullshit? That I'm just a little butterfly fluttering around in the wintertime looking for little boys to warm me up?
Oh, good. He's being his usual self. "Yeah, sure", he says. He's not pushing for better answers. He almost never does, but maybe it's good he's not really awake.
I'm as cold as ice? Uh oh. I forgot I can't feel the cold, but that doesn't mean I don't get cold. I hope he doesn't tell me to go away. I really need to be here. Was it a mistake to take my clothes off? He wouldn't feel the cold if my clothes got in the way...
... oh, yea. I took my clothes off because of the blood. He'd smell that, wouldn't he?
I'm sorry. Is it gross?
He says it's not. Damn, he's easy to get along with!
Mmm. This is life. Feel that smooth skin! It's like silk! It's soft and warm! It's comforting. I could listen to that heart beating for a thousand years and not get tired of it. I could breathe in that smell for a thousand years, too... is this what living in the light is like?
And one of the many things I really like about Oskar is...
Bulleri, bulleri, bock! How many horns are up?
... you can do silly stuff with him that none of my helpers ever wanted to be bothered with. This isn't even my silly stuff, it's Oskar's. My helpers never showed me this kind of thing. Isn't it weird how doing stupid silly stuff like this can make me feel so much better? We could play this game for hours, and all Oskar would want for it is some giggles.
What does playing like this actually do? It's not even like solving a puzzle. When a puzzle is solved, you have something to look at and know you did something. If playing like this is like solving a puzzle, how do I know when it's done, and how would I know what to look for?
Oh, well, it feels good - makes me feel good - and doesn't hurt anything. Seems to make Oskar feel good, too. I heard that laughing little breath, Oskar! You like it too, don't you?
He's almost totally relaxed. Just being near him when he's like this, why does it make me feel like everything's OK?
It's not OK! I just ate my helper! I'm all alone now, and don't know what I'm going to do! I'm going to have to leave Blackeberg soon, and I don't want to! How can I leave this? I've never had this before! I'll never have it again! I'm even enjoying the parts that scare me!
But... just being here - just being, even just for right now - this is worth more than anything I can remember.
Um, uh oh, what's this? What's "going steady"?
...!!
Oh, Oskar, goddamnit, you're not asking for what I think you're asking for, are you? Was I wrong about you?
...!!
When I was a kid...
(Sheah, right, Elias! Was I ever really a kid!? Would I remember it if I had been?)
(shut up...)
... when I was a real kid, people didn't "go steady". They worked as soon as they were old enough and got married when they got just a little older. There was no "going steady", and not really much for "engagement". Sometimes people married who they wanted, but I think I remember mostly people just marrying who they were told to marry, and when. Not like there was a lot of picking and choosing, anyway.
And when they got married, they did things together. Things they almost never do when anybody's watching.
Is that what going steady means, Oskar? You want to do what kids these days do when they go steady? You want to be able to say that we're going steady, so now I have to let you do things?
And that's not even what's worrying me, really, because, well, heh, look where I am and what I'm wearing! I don't think there's anything you could ask for that I wouldn't give. That's what you did to me at the candy store. I might even give you that if I thought that's what you really needed. I don't really want to, but I might...
But Oskar, you don't know me. I mean, seriously, you really don't know the first goddamn thing about me. If you did, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be asking me to "go steady". You wouldn't be asking me anything - you'd be busy trying to fill a hole in my heart with a busted broomstick.
Even if that's not true, even if some miracle happened and you didn't want to run away or kill me if you found out....
What do you mean?
Do I want to be your girlfriend?
Hmm... do I? God, could I? Could I dare?
Well, your voice doesn't sound like you're demanding anything. You don't smell...
There are so many things wrong with wanting to be your girlfriend, Oskar, I don't know where to start.
Even if you knew about me, if you knew I'm not human and were OK with that, what would you say if you knew I don't have what girls have? Even if I did, I think it wouldn't work very well. I'm a kid! Would you be OK with that? And if I still had what boys have, would you be OK with having a boy for a girlfriend? If that's what you're after, would you be OK with doing what some men like ...?
Would you be OK never getting near my mouth because it's just WAY too dangerous? I could drain you drier than dust in about three or four big easy swallows, too fast to even know what I'm doing until it's over. There's just too much blood there, and it comes out too fast. And then you'd be dead.
Would you be OK with my not really knowing what I'm doing? I mean, I know what to do, but I don't understand it, and I know I never will. I'll never like it the way most people seem to. You'd know, too, wouldn't you? You always seem to know when I'm not OK with something. Would you be disappointed or sad or angry? Would you tell me to get lost?
Do you even have any idea yet what I'm talking about? (Do I?) I hope not, but if I have to explain, this is going to be really strange...
Oskar...
.... um ...
I'm not a girl.
Well, do I want to go steady or not? Heh. OK, now I'm scared. You're not going to let this go, are you? You're pushing! You never do this! Why now? And for what, exactly?
I'm not ready for this! I didn't come here to give you something! I came here because I wanted you to give me something! I don't know what you want!
And if this goes the wrong way, what happens? I'm learning it's not as easy to lose with you as I was afraid of at the candy store, but that doesn't mean I can't lose. I mean, when you find out, oh, shit... there's just no way... !
I'm scared, and I'm sad. Things are going to change, aren't they?
Hell, yes, they are! You're a boy. Not such a little boy, either. And you'll start growing up pretty soon, and that's what growing up means: changing.
Are you in such a hurry to grow up, Oskar? To change? Do you really want all the wonderful times we've had together to turn into something else? Does this mean we can't run down to the candy store anymore and make fun of the owner or talk about books we've read or music we like or hate? Does this mean we can't just hang out together anymore and just be?
Does this mean you're going to start being like Hakan was? Do I have to start being like I was when I was alone with him?
Hakan... will I ever understand what you did? How...?
(not now, Elias! NOT NOW!)
Couldn't we just keep things the way they are?
"I guess". I didn't like the way he said that. It's the same voice he used when I tried to turn down his candy. Took him a second or two to say it, too. Does this mean he thinks I don't like him? Is this like the candy store again?
I know! Got any candy? I'll eat all your goddamn candy so I can hyurk up again so you can feel sorry for me and hold me and make me feel better again!
Good GOD, I'm here, Oskar! I'm right here! There's nothing between us but a few centimeters of air and your thin loose underwear! How can you think I don't like you?
It's so hard for me to trust. I don't trust. I never tell anybody anything about myself, never leave myself in a spot where people can take advantage of me or hurt me if I can help it. People can be such shits, I mean, you have just no idea at all...
Well, that's not really true, is it? You do know people can be mean. You still have the bandage on your face to prove it.
But I'm HERE, as open as I can be, because I'm learning I can trust you! Can't you see that? Can't you see what you mean to me?
What can I give you that you can accept? How can I be more open?
And how can I keep trusting you if we're just going to be Hakan and Eli all over again?
Do you do anything special when you go steady?
(Do you think we're going to be just like furry little rabbits twitching noses at eachother?)
"No." That wasn't a "Nooo.." like Hakan might have said. That wasn't a "not exactly". That was a plain and simple "no". So, if you don't do anything special when you go steady, what do you do?
So everything stays the same?
"Yeah." Not a complicated "yeah". Not the kind of "yeah" that means "but... there might be a couple of things". He means it. Nothing changes. So, if nothing changes, then what happens if I say we can go steady?
What is this!?
Know what? I can't think about this right now. I'm confused and tired and feeling bad because I don't know why I had to eat my helper and I really don't want the time I have left with Oskar going sour. If I'm making a mistake, it wouldn't be the first one I've ever made. I'll live, and so will Oskar. I'll deal with it tomorrow. Maybe. If it'll make him happy, I won't have to be scared of losing him.
Not yet.
Then we'll go steady.
He asks "What?" as if he didn't hear me right. Was he expecting me to say no?
I've faced far worse men than Hakan, and Hakan is far worse than you. Was. Hakan was a lot worse than you. I don't know how I know that, but I can feel it. You'd be gentle, and you'd probably stop if I asked you to - I think you'd even stop if you just thought I wasn't OK.
Is this what it takes not to lose you as a friend? Would we still be friends like we were just two nights ago? You have no idea how much I hope so...
It'll be you and me.
He doesn't believe it? Look, I'm relaxed again! I've put my head back down on the pillow! Would I be doing that if I were lying?
(OK - don't you dare answer that! I'm not hunting right now. Not for food, anyway...)
Yes.
There. I've said it three times. Isn't that what kids sometimes did, long time ago? They said "I marry thee, I marry thee, I marry thee!" like saying it three times in a row made it real? Do they maybe they still do that? I don't know, but it sure seemed to make him happy.
Good, he says. Is it? He sure said it loud enough. I'm surprised it didn't wake his mother up!
He's relaxed. He's not trying to turn around. I know I told him not to look, and he's always done what I've asked of him even when I can hear and smell that he doesn't want to or doesn't understand, but... he's not using this "going steady" business to try to get something from me. Is he? His relaxing means he got what he wanted already.
What did he get?
He's falling asleep again. Nighty night! Sleep tight! Now that whatever you're worried about is taken care of, you can go back to being a big unworried bundle of snoring Oskar!
Why does my throat hurt? This is weird - I'm having trouble breathing!
(I don't even really need to breathe, usually, but... right now, I do, and I can't!)
I can't describe how his skin feels under my fingers as I play with the muscles on his shoulders. Just... touching. These are the muscles I sometimes grab onto with my claws when I'm trying to eat somebody three or four times my size. Oskar's aren't very big yet, but they will be someday. Someday soon.
When they're big and strong, like a man's, will we still be "going steady", Oskar? Will I still be touching you like this, knowing how easy it would be to kill you and not wanting to, not wanting to even remember that I know? What would I have to do to have that? To have this?
To keep it?
What did you just get, Oskar? What did I just give you? Did you take something from me, something I'll miss? Would you tell me?
Do you even know?
What was that weird little squeaky grunting noise you just made, Oskar? I've never heard it before. It sounded happy. Really, really happy.
You can make that sound as much as you like!
You don't know about my money, and even if you did, why am I so sure you wouldn't care? You don't have any, and still you try to give me things like your Cube or your candy? You don't know anything about what I am, so you can't want to be like me. Could you? I don't understand this, either, but I'm pretty sure you'd turn it down if you knew. You're not sick or crazy like some of the people who've asked.
And if you want what all those other men (and women) wanted, Oskar, why didn't you turn around? There's nothing in the way!
There's just me. Me, my naked body and my.... um...
(I have a heart?)
my empty heart I didn't know I had.
You can't be wanting my friendship, can you? This, you already have. Didn't you know?
I know you don't have a lot of friends. I don't, either. Maybe you don't have any friends, but haven't you had friends before? Doesn't it tell you something that I spend all the time I can with you, that you don't have to do or say anything to make me want to be around? Didn't it tell you anything that I learned your Morse code just so we could talk more when we have to be inside? Didn't you see how happy that made me, how glad I was to have that code, how much I love using it? Weren't there other people who did things like this with you, too?
Is this what you mean by "going steady"? You want to be more friends than we were? How can we be more? I have nothing more to give you! I have nothing at all!
I am nothing!
I am nothing!
Except...
...
... me?
Your hand is just about the same size as mine. I can put my fingers most of the way around your fist. I really love the way our hands fit together.
I wonder...
... what?
You know something, Oskar, I've gone through two centuries of being like a machine, or maybe an animal. I always knew what I needed, and what to do to get it, and when. My life was like a train schedule. Boring. No, I'm not perfect, and sometimes I wind up having to run away because I'm a sloppy hunter, but even then, I know what to do, and how to do it. I always knew where I was and why I wound up there. I wasn't safe, and I wasn't really happy, but I was getting by.
Now, I don't know anything! I don't know what you are, and I don't understand what you're doing to me! It's scary! I don't like not understanding things!
Even for not knowing what parts of me I just gave away, though, you know what?
I don't care!
I'll be gone when the sun rises and you wake up. I know this just like I know the sun will come up, but the way I'm feeling right now, the way you're making me feel, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if the sun did catch me. I could be like this forever, just feeling your warmth and listening to your heart and turning to dust. I'll be gone when the sun comes up because maybe I'll need you again. And again. And again. And maybe you'll be here, just like you are now, making me feel like this.
Maybe someday, you'll need me, too, just like I needed you tonight. Does it feel as good to give what you gave me as it does to get it? Maybe you'll show me that someday, too. Just going by the way you smell, the way your voice sounded, I'd think it does.
Maybe then you'll explain to me what I just gave away, and why I don't care.