(Interior running monologue in one of my interpretations of Eli's character at the candy store. Cleaned up from an original that may still surface, and amplified somewhat, but you still probably don't want the kids reading it.)
He's asking me to wait here. Oh, he's getting candy? I used to like candy, didn't I? I don't remember. Ugh, that stuff stinks! How can people eat it? Why do people have to eat so much?
Oh, crap, there's a cat. I didn't see it in time. Good thing it's behind glass. I really don't feel like killing anything right now. Not with Oskar right here. Did Oskar see the cat spazz out at me? No, he was looking the other way. Nobody saw it. Good. Very good. I'll just move away a little.
Life's been good today so far. Knocked around town a bit, talked a little. Laughed a little.
It's been a long time since I did this. Been a long time since I could. Forgot what it was like to just... I don't know. Be. Not worried. Not scared. Not be me.
Hakan is OK to talk to, I guess. Except when he thinks I'm being dumb or doing something wrong. That happens a lot. He's always so stiff and so serious. Hah - and he says I am.
Maybe I am. Maybe I have to be.
It gets old, living inside all the time except when I have to go out to eat. Puzzles are nice but you can't talk to them. Listening to the radio is nice, but you have to listen to whatever the man wants to talk about. Well, talk shows are a little nicer because you get to hear what people really think. Sometimes you get to listen to them fight. Lots of times I don't know what they're even talking about. Even when I do, lots of times it's about things I couldn't care about. I don't get much TV because I move around too much to even worry about getting one. It can be even dumber than radio. Even when I go to watch movies it's usually about boring stuff or stuff I don't understand. Movies can be really dumb.
(Oskar is nice. He smells nice, oh, yea, he smells...)
Shut up!
Oskar doesn't have that smell. That smell they always get when they want to touch me. Why do they always want to touch me? Most men like women and get that smell when they want to touch them. Women get a smell when they want touching, too. Maybe they need that touching like I need blood. They make really strange noises when they do that like I make noises when I'm eating when I'm starved. I don't understand that, but they all do that.
Why do men want to touch me? I don't get that smell! I don't even like all this touching! It's boring. Sometimes it even hurts.
Sometimes people tell me I'll understand when I grow up. Hah hah hah.
Oskar doesn't have any smell. He doesn't seem to want anything. Well, yea, he wants to be around me a lot. That's OK. I like it. A lot. He asks me questions sometimes. He wants to know about me. That's OK, too. I like it. I don't know why, but I like it. A lot. He tells me about things he likes and things he likes to do. Sometimes I ask him questions too, and usually he answers. He never seems to lie. I can usually smell when someone's lying. I can usually hear it. I never hear or smell anything funny when Oskar tells me things.
I like it that he doesn't try making me do something or act like something. It's nice not always trying to figure out what somebody wants and trying to figure out a way not to do it.
I like that he doesn't get mad when I don't answer when he asks things. I can't. I just can't.
I remember that girl I told too much. I didn't know any better. She got this look like she was really scared. Man, you could smell her being scared all the way the other side of town! I can't tell Oskar too much, he'll just get that look and get that scared smell and he'll be gone and then I'll be all alone again just like I was all those other times.
It'll happen soon enough anyway. I'll have to move away and leave everything behind. I always do. It never takes long.
Oskar's pushing the bag at me. He wants me to eat some of his candy. I can't eat this horrible stuff! Why do people always have to be trying to get me to eat their candy?
Oskar doesn't like me saying no. Kids never do. Why do they think I don't like them if I don't eat their candy?
He took a really long time to say "Schlimm". When people say that right away it doesn't mean anything but when they take a long time to say it, it means something bad. Now he's looking down. That means he feels real bad. He's not eating his candy. He forgot his candy! Yea, he feels bad. He's too damned quiet. He's too goddamn still.
Yea, he thinks I don't like him. This is bad. This is very bad. This could be the worst bad.
Shit.
Why does my stomach feel so funny? I've never felt this before. Never. It feels like it wants to get up and fly away. Now it feels like it wants to drop out of my body and onto the ground.
I'm not really hungry. That's not what this is.
"I can..."
What am I doing!? I can... what? You really think I'm going to put that godawful thing in my mouth?
"... try one."
What the hell made me say that!? No, I can't try one! It'll just make me puke! Well, I just had to open my big mouth. Maybe I can hold it for a while. It's been a really long time since I had food in my mouth. I puked and felt like shit for a while but that was a really long time ago. Maybe I've gotten stronger. Maybe I can hold off being sick until I can get away for a minute. I hope.
Maybe it's just better to hurl than lose a friend sooner than I have to. Maybe he'll understand. Aren't there people who can't eat candy? Yea, there are...
URGH! This is AWFUL! DISGUSTING! I oughta tell Oskar he needs to eat a lump of coal! No, I can't do that because I'd have to explain. Hold your face steady, Eli, don't you dare let him see you think it's gross. Don't you dare let him think you don't like him. Don't you dare let him think...
GOTTA RUN! Plyeurk, this is BAD!
Didn't get very far, did I? All the way around to the other side of the building! Stronger? HAH! My ass, I'm stronger.
I'm an idiot.
Oskar's running around the building. This is bad. What am I going to say? What am I going to do!? Help!!
"Sorry..."
Yea, right, I'm sorry. Go ahead and look at me, Oskar. You go right ahead and say it. It won't be the first time. Yea, I'm a freak, I can't eat candy. Boy, you have no idea just how goddamn disgusting I really am.
I'm such a pathetic little idiot. I'm going to lose again, aren't I? I'm so sick to death of losing. I'm a monster. I know this. I take things from people that can't be given back. I wouldn't if I could help it, but I can't. People are always trying to take something from me, too. I don't always understand what they're trying to take, and it usually doesn't matter, because what I take is worse. Much worse.
Still...
Oh my god, I'm so sick of losing things that matter to me! Things like this. Like today. I can't remember the last time I had this. Years?
He's coming closer. Is he mad? Is he going to yell at me, call me names? Is he going to hit me? What am I going to do if he hits me? Will he believe it if I pretend it hurt? He doesn't smell mad. He doesn't look mad. His face doesn't look like it's got more blood in it than usual. Why is he getting closer if he doesn't want to hit me?
What happens if we get in a fight? What happens if I hurt him? No, ohgodohgodohgod, don't let me hurt him!
I don't even remember if I left all my stuff together so we could leave in a hurry when I have to. Hakan's going to be so angry I did something dumb again. Oh, well, that's Hakan's problem. I'll just tell him we have to go, and he can just deal. If he gives me a hard time, I can stop pretending to make promises. He'll learn.
But I don't want to go! I'm still having fun! Don't let me...
He's got his arms around me, pushing me back. Oh, we're going to wrestle? Why are we going to wrestle? Is he mad I got sick from his candy? Why... ?
What the hell!? He's hugging me! He's got his arms around me! He's just holding me!
Does he want... ? No, wait, he doesn't smell like that. He doesn't want to hit me, and he doesn't want to touch me. I think I might let him, if it's what he really wanted, if that's what it takes for him to keep being my friend, but...
He's just holding me!
What the HELL!?
He can't feel sorry for me, can he? Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be a girl, right? You're supposed to tease boys who puke when they eat candy, but you're supposed to feel sorry for girls. Why?
"Oskar..." What the hell do I say!? What the hell am I supposed to say!? He's here holding me like maybe he feels sorry for me, and you're supposed to say something when people hug you when they feel sorry for you, right?
What's this hugging stuff all about? I see people hugging all the time. Sometimes it means they want to touch eachother and sometimes it means they "love" eachother and want to get married and have kids and live happily ever after. Hah, like that could ever happen! Sometimes it's like how I think I remember Mom sometimes used to hug me. Sometimes it just means "just friends". I can never tell what they mean when they do that.
(Mmm... listen to that wonderful strong heart! Listen to that blood going swish swish swish in that big vein in his neck. He's so warm and he smells SO...)
Shut the hell UP, bitch! Didn't you hear me!? I'm not eating him! I don't eat people I like! I hate you and your always goddamn wanting to fucking kill something! HATE you!
"Do you like me?"
He says he does. He sure said that fast enough. He didn't think about what he's saying. He just came right out with it. I guess maybe he does. You don't hang out with people you don't like, do you? You don't just hang around with people you feel sorry for, do you?
OK, don't listen to that. I hang out with people I don't like. I have to.
Oskar doesn't.
Does he?
Wait, he's a boy, right? He never has that smell, well, never so you'd really notice, but boys grow up and then they get that smell. They get it really really strong. He thinks I'm a girl, and maybe he doesn't like boys. Boys are supposed to like girls.
This has never happened before. Never! What the hell am I supposed to do!? I can't be his girlfriend!
"If I weren't a girl, would you still like me?"
Yea, he guesses so. Maybe he would. Maybe he wouldn't.
(Mm..)
Just so you don't get any ideas, you worthless little bloodsucking bitch, this boy's throat I'm talking into isn't food, so don't even think about growling. Forget about that pulse, forget the warmth, forget that smell! You do not want to go there. I'll go watch a sunrise if you make me kill people I like. See if I don't. I'm completely serious.
He looks so confused. He wants to know what's going on, but he's too nice to push. I'm such a shit, Oskar, why are you being so nice to me?
No, I can't tell you why I'm asking. You'd run away if I did. All the old forgotten gods be damned, Oskar, you'd run away screaming if you knew for real what I'm afraid of. I'm not sure I could take that.
God, I'm so scared! I can't believe you can get this goddamn scared and still live!
Why does it have to be so hard? Why does this always have to be so goddamn hard and confusing and complicated and dangerous? Why do I always have to be so goddamn scared someone going to find out about me or I'm going to do or say something stupid and then they're going to run away? Why can't we just keep on talking about small stuff and maybe play cards and shoot pool and run around in the courtyard and make jokes and laugh? Why can't we just keep on letting me be not me for a little while more?
Why do things always have to go bad when there's already too goddamn little time?
Oskar... what in the world can you possibly want from me!?